I have been planning an overnight camping trip to Mueller State Park in the Pike National Forest west of Pike's Peak for this week. Last night, I figured that since I didn't have to be anywhere until Thursday, I would add a day to the camping trip. So, at this point, I leave in the morning for 2 days down at Mueller. It will be my first camping trip since I got back from my National Parks Loop and I'm looking forward to it.
Over the last couple of days though, I noticed that there were odd things occurring in my body. At times in the past, I've had interesting muscle spasms. Nothing bad has happened from them and my Doctor has not had a major concern about them. It took me some time to realize that the episodes of muscle spasms usually appeared at times of higher anxiety. When I first started flying again, I would have muscle spasms around my eye. They would build and become more frequent as my flight approached. I was sure they were signs of a stroke until my doctor friend, Melody (a P.A.), told me that what I was experiencing was NOT a sign of a stroke. The spasms would disappear within about an hour after I would push forward and board the plane. I have noticed this on numerous occasions when my level of anxiety was elevated.
Today, I started to think about my current issues. The spasms this time are in my leg. Weird, kinda funky spasms. I had similar spasms prior to my almost-flight to Alaska back in 2008. A couple of times, my mind would start to race and create some terrible disease or fatal malady that might have entered my body as I slept or infiltrated my psyche through some kind of unseen mist disguised as everyday humidity. Ok, I didn't really go to the degree of creeping night viruses or mystery air germs, but, my mind did start to move into the all too familiar place known as "what if-ville". For those of you unfamiliar with this dark and dismal place, it is where the mind goes when anxiety has taken over and all the "what ifs" you can think of emerge from the darkness. "What if" I have heart problems...I have a blood clot...I have some kind of bone cancer in my leg...I was bitten by a spider and it's affecting my nervous system...etc, etc, etc. You get the point. In the early days of learning to fly again, I was a frequent visitor to "what if-ville". Different "what ifs" but they all revolved around worst-case scenarios that arose in a mind drowning in anxiety. I obviously made a tour of the rundown districts in "what if-ville" today.
The key when this happens is to examine the anxiety. View the "thinker" in your mind. Ask yourself what these things mean and do they play any part in your current reality. What has happened lately that might intensify the base anxiety that most everyone feels just trudging through daily life? I've learned to apply the brakes as I cross the city limits of "what if-ville" and ask myself these questions.
Well, just last week, three tent campers were attacked by a Momma Grizzly and 3 cubs just outside of Yellowstone. One was killed and 2 or 3 others were taken to the hospital with various injuries. Due to my affinity for Yellowstone, the headline for this story caught my eye, "Rampaging Bears Kill in Yellowstone". Well, they were not really rampaging. Wildlife officials are not sure why these bears attacked, but it wasn't because they were pissed about the cutbacks in funds to the National Parks and decided it was time for a good old ass whooping of some tourists. These campers were all running clean camps and the bears simply attacked as wild animals will do at times. At least that's the information that's out there so far. This type of attack is so incredibly rare, though. I realize this and the headlines and the "fear mongering" in the press about the attack really upset me. They were simply trying to get readers with fear-laced headlines amidst the overflow of daily news about Lady Gaga (whoever the Hell she is) or the latest tirade by Mel Gibson (who the Hell cares) . But, the covert attempt by the media worked on me to a degree. The headline and the details stuck in the back of my mind despite the logical aspects that I was fully aware of on the number of attacks like this.
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| Thank you Timothy |
And just this past weekend, I was searching through the channels on TV and came across "Grizzly Man". It is the tragic story of Timothy Treadwell and the self-destructive path he created while protecting the grizzlies in Alaska. I think the movie is fascinating for the bear footage, the way it shows a much truer demeanor of the grizzly rather than the attack-happy killers they are portrayed as in most movies and the inner demons that Treadwell was fighting. I can identify with those demons and have battled mightily against them myself many, many times. They are very scary and sometimes, despite our best efforts, they win. The fate of Timothy and his girlfriend crept into my dark thoughts. And to trigger it all, when you make reservations for Mueller State Park, you see numerous warnings that this campground is in bear country and black bears are frequently seen in the campground as well as on the surrounding trails. All of this, along with normal work stress started to swirl in the dark recesses of my mind until it had reached tornadic proportions and started to wreak havoc with my body.
Upon realizing the contributions to my anxiety with these issues, I started to examine them and put them in their proper perspective. I analyzed the facts, the statistics and really delved into the causes, the reactions and the growth of my current anxiety. I was able to see why the anxiety was growing as I neared departure for my camping trip. I understood the reactions of my body to the crazed ramblings of my brain. I started to regain control of both. As soon as you start to shine the light of wisdom, awareness and knowledge on the anxiety, it dissipates and slinks back to its dreary and dark hole. Courage, strength and conviction appear in its place. Within about 30 minutes of these realizations tonight, the muscle spasms stopped. Now I understand that as I leave in the morning, or start setting up my tent at Mueller, they may reappear in an attempt to win back control. But, I will not let them. As much as the anxiety may fight for its existence, I will stand resolute at the gates of my mind. I may at times accidentally let it slip by and start to gain a foothold, but it will not last and it will not lock on. I will not allow that. I have too many tools at my disposal, too many friends with endless support and too much determination to overcome the anxiety that I will never again let it gain complete control. I will take the situations that allow the resurgence of anxiety and I will face them head on. I will go on all-out, frontal attack. I will put myself in the middle of the situation and dare the anxiety to stay around. And I will win. Every time. Without doubt. Without fail. Without giving in.
I'm now looking forward to 2 days in the wilds of Colorado even more than before. I will bring my notebook with me, as well as my b/w film camera and do my best to not only enjoy all that nature has to offer by hiking as many trails as my fat ass can handle and take incredible friggin' b/w pictures at the same time, but I will continue to record the forward progress I am making as I further understand and learn to control this mysterious, and frightful creature called anxiety.
