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| At the Grand Canyon |
As I noted in my profile, I gave in to fear and anxiety for many years. I grew up in small, safe neighborhoods, in the suburbs of Southern California. I had little experience in the woods and was not really sure what lived beyond the comfortable confines of my back yard. I had enjoyed camping, but it was always in a camper and I had little knowledge of the creatures that inhabit the night, or day for that matter, if the habitat lacked asphalt, buildings and the security of walls (oh how deep could we dig into that last part. My Therapist has made tons of money off the false "security of walls"). When I was 10 years old, my family moved from the suburban confines of Southern California to Louisiana where my parents grew up. This was a brand new world for me in so many different ways.
One afternoon, about a year and a half after the move, a friend and I had been playing down along the railroad tracks just outside the neighborhood in which we lived. It was a wooded area and I was never really comfortable playing down there up to that point. That particular afternoon, my friend came running out of the woods by the tracks shouting hysterically. I couldn't understand what he was saying at first. Then I heard that dreaded word...BEAR! Being a young boy with no outdoor experience, I reacted immediately to that moment and ran inside the house in terror. My anxiety and fear of the outdoors grew immensely that day. I was too young and too dumb to realize that where I lived in Louisiana, there were no bears, much less in my own neighborhood. All I could imagine was this 1,000 lb grizzly waiting just inside the treeline for poor, unsuspecting me to take that first step into the woods and wind up as dinner. I held on to that image despite the facts and the reassurance of my parents. I held on to that image for many years and allowed it to color my view of nature, of hiking, of camping and of life. That 1,000 lb grizzly infiltrated other areas of my life and in so many different disguises. Over time, my anxieties grew to the point where I stopped flying completely after a few years of flying every chance I got. Instead I would drive for 2 days to get to California or take the train to Chicago. On trips I would take to the mountains or to National Parks, my exploration of the area was limited to a viewing outside my car window or a very short walk around a Visitors Center. My travels consisted of cars, trains and hotel rooms. I could not summon the courage to step beyond those safe walls.
There are many things which cause the anxieties to grow and sometimes it's hard to understand why the anxieties manifest in the ways they do. Something you've loved doing for years can become the source of nightmares and panic attacks. For me, there were issues of low self esteem, self doubt and different stresses that seemed to strengthen the normal anxiety we all go through in daily life. Heredity can play a part in panic & anxiety disorder. Brain chemistry has also been linked with anxiety issues as has basic learned behavior. I was in a situation for over three years in my life where I was in "fight or flight" mode pretty much 24 x 7. This is not a fun state to be in and the affects of living every moment in this stress is tragic. This has been proven to actually rewire the brain and is a major contributor to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. And despite the best efforts of many caring people, the answer is never as simple as "get used to the idea of death" or "turn it all over to God". I heard both suggestions and neither had anything whatsoever to do with my anxiety. But, due to a lack of understanding, both were suggested in love and concern by people who really cared and whose support has been crucial to me in the last couple of years. I thank them for their initial advice not because it helped, but because they cared enough to offer it and have been very supportive the entire time.
In the Spring of 2008, I found a group called Flight Without Fear here in Denver. I met the most incredible people. They showed me the facts about flying. They showed me ways to control my anxiety and panic attacks. They showed me the courage I had within and encouraged me to use it. They became more than friends, they became family. And with the help of this family, I started flying again after 7 years of no commercial flights. To date, I have flown 33 times since April 2008. Last year, I sought the help of a licensed psychotherapist who helped me look at the root causes of my anxiety and explore new tools that I had available to overcome it. The progress I've made working with her has been amazing. I started hiking when I would visit nature. I started living again and not out of fear, but out of excitement, joy and adventure. Last year I purchased a small tent and pushed myself out into the wild and started tent camping. At first, both were terrifying. But as I gained courage, knowledge and strength, I became more and more comfortable. My second tent camping trip ever was 5 days in Teton/Yellowstone. One night, while camping at Canyon Campground in Yellowstone, I woke up to the image of being attacked by that same 1,000 lb grizzly from my childhood. It was pitch black in the tent and all I could see was the face of this massive bear. More and more bears joined in the attack. At that point, I realized the attack was happening only in my mind and I was in the middle of a full-blown panic attack. I immediately started applying the tools I had learned in the Flight Without Fear class to control the panic and bring the anxiety down. Within a few minutes, my anxiety had dropped from a 9 out of 10 on the SUD scale to a 2 or 3. I was amazed at how effective the tools had been and how much control I really had over the anxiety. The moment with that imaginary bear has replaced the terror I carried from my childhood experience and given me even greater courage and desire to conquer my anxieties.
Since that time, I've upgraded my tent and camping gear, continued to fly, stopped obsessing about health fears and refocused my energies and my life. On June 12, 2010, I left for a 17-day camping trip that would take me to 7 National Parks in 16 days. Out of that time, only 2 nights were spent indoors. All the rest found me sitting at night by a cold campfire staring with wonder into the night sky and giving little to no thought or fear to the creatures of the night. On that trip, it was suggested by friends that I keep a journal. Although I had never really captured my thoughts on paper, I decided to give it a try. 65 notebook pages later, I had a pretty good journal started. That's where I am beginning my blog.
I've thought a few times about starting a blog, but was encouraged by my brother, Jim, who recently decided to follow his dream of cooking and is working on entry into Le Cordon Bleu Cooking school in Las Vegas. Jim has decided to create a blog to follow his progress towards his own dream. I am now doing the same. I will use this blog to track my camping trips and share the thoughts that come to me out there. At times, I will also use the blog to espouse my beliefs on politics, society, human behavior and much more. I promise to keep my off-camping rants to a minimum. At the same time, I don't apologize for my beliefs or my opinions. Yes, I'm very liberal in my views. But, I'm open to intelligent discussion and do my best to respect the beliefs of others whether I agree or not. I'm not starting this blog in an attempt to get into any pissing match with anyone out there who may read it about politics, religion or any other controversial matter. These are my beliefs and opinions, and while you are welcome to make respectful comment, I won't get into the standard "your group is stupid, my group is right, there is my way or the highway" discussions. If you don't like what I write, you are free not to read it. Plain and simple. I tend to use colorful language at times when writing. So, if a little "profanity" bothers you, this blog may not be the one to read.
So, with all that said, I will begin transferring my journal to the blog from my most recent camping trip. I will post my daily entries over time and then continue documenting my outdoor adventures as I go. I hope you enjoy it. I know I will. I know I have. I know that even more joy, happiness, adventure and success lies ahead of me and I'm glad to share it in hopes that maybe one person may see what's possible and decide to tackle their own anxiety and conquer their own 1,000 lb grizzly and take back their life, their freedom.
