Ten hours of driving. Left home at 9:30 this morning. I got here to Flagg Ranch Resort, 4 miles south of the Yellowstone South Entrance at 7:30pm. It rained like Hell most of the way. I got out to get gas about an hour west of Laramie outside Rawlins. Within a minute I had major chills and the shivers due to the high wind, the rain and cold (wearing shorts and a t-shirt didn’t help much). There was ground cover snow for a good bit of the drive across southern Wyoming. It was a long drive. When I made it to Flagg Ranch, I got the tent set up and settled. The guy who checked me in was the same guy that checked me in last year. He was from Africa. He recognized my MLK tattoo. Last year when I drove into Teton, I saw a moose at Oxbow bend. This year, about 5 minutes before the campground, everyone was pulled over watching a couple of black bears. I watched for a minute but didn’t stay long as I was ready to get to camp and get set up.
It’s now about 10pm. After I got everything set up, it was time for a nice, hot shower. That’s one of the things I love about this campground…free, hot showers! The temp right now is about 42 so I decided to change into my sweats after the shower. A nice glass of Merlot and time to start writing.
The campground is only about half full tonight. I’m in spot C51. I stayed in this spot last year after moving closer towards the population center of the park. I remember when the guy next to me left and I had no one around me, I started to freak thinking about the bears. The camp host let me move closer in so I wouldn’t be out in the tent loop by myself and I moved to this spot. Funny that after that move, the tent loop filled up in the next hour. The tent loop is pretty empty this time and I really like this spot for its privacy. It’s not quite fully dark yet, but it’s close. The best thing I picked up at the Coleman Outlet sale was the headlamp I’m wearing now as I write this. It makes it much easier to write at night and it is damned bright! Last year at this time, I was probably about a 5 or 6 out of 10 on the SUD scale (measuring my anxiety level). This year I’m sitting here now between a 0 and 1. I remember as I was setting up last year that I spent about 75% of the time watching for bears rather than focusing on what I was doing and staying “in the moment”. This time I barely looked up from my task. Last year, the bear spray was the first thing I pulled out of the car. This year, one of the last. That’s a lot of progress and feels like a great success. I’m very proud of myself for the progress I’ve made over the last 2 years. And I’m really looking forward to this trip.
I feel like I’m finally letting go of work and realizing that I’m here. There was no real excitement or relief as I saw the Tetons today. I don’t think I had let go enough plus they were shrouded in clouds and I couldn’t see the peaks. The low tonight is expected to be around 30 degrees. I brought both the warm and cold weather sleeping bags along with a couple of different knit caps to cover my bald head. The weather tomorrow is expected to be cloudy with a high around 45 with scattered showers. Monday looks good though. Sunny and almost 60 degrees. I will probably hit Old Faithful and Ferry Falls tomorrow and save Teton and Inspiration Point for Monday. Tuesday I’ll try to hit Norris Geyser Basin and the Canyon along with Hayden Valley. I’ll leave Wednesday headed for Wells, NV for the night and Yosemite on Thursday night. I talked to Phil and he and Jessica will meet me Friday morning at the campground outside Yosemite. It would be nice to be sharing Yellowstone with somebody, but I’m not going to “not” make these trips simply because I’m alone. I would like to find someone to share these times with and have actively put it out there. I will do my part and see what happens. Until then, I will be a social camper and will enjoy myself and the life I’ve created without fear or anxiety. The last of the generators just went off and it’s quiet and dark. Only the sound of the fire, the wind and a few campers headed to bed. I think its time I do the same. Congratulations again to me. Great job!
Not a great night's sleep last night, but I made it through. The air mattress was underinflated and that didn't help. I fixed the problem today with new batteries in the air pump. Should work better tonight. I did not have any anxiety issues last night. That really feels great. When I first started tent camping, I was waking up in the middle of the night with anxiety about bears and my location inside a tent, essentially making me a nice, plump human burrito (with a tent-tortilla) for any bear that might be hungry. Just like with flight, my anxious mind made up so many "what-if" scenerios and so many horrifying images that it's amazing I'm still sane. Last night brought none of those thoughts. I was actually glad when the fire finally went out and I was able to see the stars above me. I sat in the dark for almost an hour watching falling stars and tracking satellites in orbit. It was absolutely amazing. Tent camping without the same anxiety that I carried around for many years is such an incredible thing. I regret the years I let anxiety keep me from doing this but plan to fix the situation by doing it in the future as much as I possibly can. I left camp this morning by around 8am. A Clif Bar, an apple and Banana Bread that Mom made and sent with me for breakfast (thanks Mom...damned good Banana Bread). Clear skies this morning. I headed into Yellowstone early targeting Old Faithful geyser. The only time I've been there on my recent trips to Yellowstone (4 of the last 5 years) I got there just after an eruption and didn't feel like waiting for the next one. This time, I got there about 45 minutes prior to an eruption and waited. I'm glad I did. It was fantastic. 30 minutes out, I was one of only a handful of people sitting on the stone benches that form a semi-circle around the geyser. As the clock ticked down, more and more people started taking a seat in anticipation. By the time it went, there had to be a couple hundred people sitting there enjoying it. I walked the boardwalk behind Old Faithful to some of the other geysers in the basin and then over to the Old Faithful Inn. I've seen it on TV before, but never inside, in person. It is quite a site. Seven stories tall with crossbeams made of logs (secretly filled with steel...got that from Great Lodges of the National Parks on Travel Channel). It is an amazing place. You could feel the history inside and sense the smiles and enjoyment of the millions of people who have passed inside those solid wood doors before.
Then out to another vantage point for the next eruption of Old Faithful. I wanted another view to get better b/w photos. By moving further around the geyser, I was able to get the shot I wanted with the deep blue sky dotted with clouds behind the geyser. There were a few teaser spurts before the main eruption. It was funny to listen to the crowd reaction as the teasers fired off. Just before, you would hear idle conversation among the hundreds of people waiting for the show. I talked to a gentleman that had ridden his Gold Wing out from Missouri. We talked a good bit about bikes and the places we've both been. Then the geyser would start to hiss and pop. Steam would increase and water would start to explode from the base. 5 feet...10 feet...15 feet...then it stopped. Okay. We knew that wasn't the main show so we waited. They give you approximate times for the next eruption with a window of :10 minutes on either side. We were treated to 4 or 5 false starts and every time you would hear the crowd go from dull murmur to greater and greater excitement and cheers only to hear the collective "aww" as the geyser quieted again. Finally, about 5 minutes past the end window, she let it all go. This was a good eruption. Probably lasted at least 4 minutes with a very solid stream. It was well worth the wait and I was glad I waited for this eruption for the b/w photos. I kept switching back and forth between the color/digital and the b/w film cameras. I can't wait to see the b/w.
I decided I wanted to do the hike to Ferry Falls. I thought I remembered it being a couple miles and it was highly suggested. So, a quick bite of lunch and I was off. Sandwiches in the car was a little strange. Parked directly in front of me, there was an older gentleman sitting in the passenger side of a car watching me eat. Very odd. All the windows were rolled up and he was wearing his Octogenarian Terminator glasses. I could feel him watching me behind those massive shades though. I figured either the rest of the family wanted to see Old Faithful and either he didn't or couldn't so they left him in the car while they went to see the geyser. Kind of like that dog you see in somebody's car at Wal Mart as his brain scrambles like an overdone omelet due to the heat in the car. Either that or they just forgot the old fart and he couldn't open the doors. Either way, it was definitely a Boo Radley moment.
I made it to Ferry Falls trailhead and looked at the info I had printed out. Sure enough, the trail was 2.6 miles as I remembered. The only problem was that was ONE WAY! So, in actuality, unless I planned to get out there and just die, it would be a 5.2 mile round trip. The anxiety started to build. I told myself that I could do only as much as I felt comfortable with. I stuck my bear spray and a liter of water in my backpack and took off. At home, I have a loop I try to walk regularly and it's only about 2.5 miles. The idea of 5.2 miles in one hike was very daunting. The trail was gravel/dirt but level. I was behind a group as the trail started to narrow and the trees closed in. Now I'm thinking about the 5.2 miles and bears. I've always read that you should not hike alone in bear country but I really don't have alot of options if I want to actually leave the parking lot. But, I figured it would be fine if I hung close to the group in front of me. Just as that though occurred to me, the group in front veered off for a side trail. Shit! Alone again. As I continued to walk (after battling the demons and old tapes in my head and deciding to push forward, no matter what) the trees really closed in. New growth pine growing thickly on each side of the path. At some points, it was so thick, you couldn't see 10 feet into the brush/trees on either side of the 6 foot wide path. So, here I am alone, hiking on a narrow trail, with low to no visibility into the brush, in grizzly country on a 5.2 mile adventure. Anxiety was about a 5 or 6 on a scale of 10. I thought about turning around a few times, but I've grown tired of seeing the wilderness through the driver's side window of my car. So, I double checked my bear spray on my belt, took 20 or 30 deep breaths and kept walking. About 1/2 mile before the Falls, I caught up with a family on the trail (the first people I had seen walking the same direction as me since the Trailhead). I finally made it to the Falls. The family I passed made it just after I did. It was a beautiful site to behold. Over 200 feet tall and cascading over the rocks in numerous places. It was worth the hike and the anxiety! I was proud of myself for pushing forward despite the anxiety. I took a picture of the family with their camera and they did the same for me with mine. After about 20 minutes they headed back just before I did. I took a much more relaxed pace headed back. Partly because I was exhausted and partly because I was just more at ease knowing what was ahead of me (the what-ifs were gone). Shortly in, I caught back up with the family from the Falls and walked and talked with them for a bit. They were from south of Indianapolis. Parents and 2 kids (probably around 10 years old). Very nice people and very friendly. Just after that, a group of college students caught and passed us, including a gorgeous blond in black spandex pants. I found my reserve energy and forgot about the damned bears! With a mile to go the family stopped to take a break, but the spandex did not. Being the social creature I am, I said goodbye to the family and kept walking, trying to keep up with the "in shape" twenty-something college kids. Luckily they would stop to take pictures and I would catch up. I followed that blond to the last 1/2 mile before the trailhead when she stopped to view the bison just off the trail. I kept going and finished my 5.2 mile hike. The round trip hike took just under 2 hours including the time at the Falls. I was so glad I had made the hike. I had to push myself due to the distance and the anxiety about the narrow trail and bears but I did it. The distance and the circumstances made the hike a great accomplishment for me personally. As I got into the car, all that self satisfaction exploded as my back tightened and locked up. It hurt like Hell. Immediately I thought of the Ibuprofen I had packed and was damned glad I had it. I'm hoping my back will allow me to get off the air mattress in the morning.
I'm back at the campground now. I figured the hike was a good way to end my activity for the day and it was going to be a couple hours to get back here anyway. I made it back and found a light rain falling. I checked the tent and everything was dry inside. A good thing. The ground is wet but not yet muddy. Off to those glorious hot showers again. Nothing rejuvenates me better than a hot shower and a shave of the old head. I started to write about something that's a little better which involves Montreal, a lovely young woman named Nathalie and a thong, but decided I would stay away from that at this point. Keep it clean for the kiddies you know.
Now I'm sitting in a rocking chair outside the main building at the resort while I write. It is still raining a little so this is a good, dry place to write. The sun is hiding behind the clouds and about an hour from setting. I hear the sound of rainfall on the grass. A noisy flock of geese just honked their way to flight and left me again with only the sound of the rain. I'll make it an earlier night tonight. Little sleep last night followed by today's hike should ensure a good night's sleep tonight. I figure tomorrow I will give my back a break and do some driving through Yellowstone with minimal hiking. I was going to hike to Inspiration Point in Teton tomorrow but the tightness in my back is saying I should make alternate plans. I'll try to hit Teton on Tuesday. Hopefully a good night's rest tonight, along with the Ibuprofen and my back will be fine in the morning.
I felt really great about pushing myself on the hike today. That's the furthest off the main road I've ever been at Yellowstone and it felt good to push past the anxiety and concern and make this hike. Another taste of the freedom that can't be found when giving in to fear, anxiety and the dreaded "what-ifs". I would not have considered this hike 2 years ago. My mind could not have conceived of it's completion from where I was. Today it was not only a possibility but I turned it into a reality and another amazing success. Once again, I've kicked fear and anxiety right square in the ass. I love this feeling. I love this freedom. I love my life. I think I'll celebrate with a soul warming double shot of Old Bushmill Irish Whiskey before heading back to camp.
After a good night's sleep, I was up and gone by 5:30 this morning. As I neared Jackson Lake, the sun was coming up and throwing a warm, pink glow on the Tetons. A number of stops for pictures. I made it to Snake River Overlook as the Tetons transitioned from pink to yellow. I took alot of pics from the overlook. I love this spot. Every trip here I try for that amazing Ansel Adams picture from the same place. I have yet to come close, but I love making the attempt. I had hoped to make a new photo location for sunrise, but didn't quite get there in time. I read in a book on National Parks Photography about Schwabacher's Landing in Teton park. It's an area just down from the main road that you wouldn't think anything about, but the pictures from the location are great. By the time I made it to this point, the sun was fully up and my gas gauge was fully down. I figured that rather than make a side trip to the Landing with no gas, I better head towards Jackson to get gas and breakfast.
Found a place called The Virginian that was serving breakfast in Jackson. Didn't want a drive through breakfast and was hoping to sit down and enjoy a relaxing breakfast. The cute waitress spilled both my coffee and my water on the table before taking my order. The food wasn't bad. And it was the atmosphere I was looking for to give me a break from a Clif Bar while driving to some early morning location. After picking up a few supplies in Jackson, I headed north again into Grand Teton. I made time at this point to check out Schwabacher's Landing. The view of the Tetons was amazing. After following a bone-rattling dirt road to the landing, the reflection of the Tetons in the Snake River was simply breathtaking. This would be a great place for sunrise or sunset. I took a few color and a few b/w photos hoping for that one amazing photo on each. We'll see what I get. I will definitely put this spot on the itinerary next year.
After walking around Schwabacher's for a bit, I realized that I was a little tired from the early morning and thought I would head back to camp for a short nap. Just north of Coulter Bay I came across the standard traffic jam seen throughout Teton and Yellowstone parks. With as many cars as were lined up on the shoulder, I figured someone had spotted a bear. Some tourists will stop for elk or bison or a fox, but everyone stops when a grizzly or a moose is spotted. I found a place to park and walked to the main crowd. Sure enough, there was Mr. Grizzly! The Ranger said it weighed in around 300 pounds and was thought to be a new bear to the Park. The grizzly was casually dining on the grass about 150 yards off the main road. Having an audience of 100 visitors didn't seem to bother him any. With the distance, it was tough to get a great picture, but I did snap a few to be sure.
I made it back to camp around Noon. But, instead of napping, I started thinking about tent set up/tear down the next night in Wells, NV and the long drive awaiting the following day. Not wanting to deal with the camp breakdown and a late start towards Yosemite, I searched online and found a Motel 6 listed in Elko, NV, about 50 miles west of Wells. I was able to cancel the RV Park reservation I had in Wells and for only about $20 more switch to a hotel room in Elko. I knew this would make the 2 days driving to Yosemite easier and the overnight turnaround more efficient and quicker in the morning. Plus, it will allow me the chance to get a night's break from the tent and allow an early departure for Yosemite the next morning. After a lunch of rehydrated chili mac & cheese, I took off back towards the Tetons. That bear was still munching in the same spot with even more people watching. I snapped a few photos as he was a little closer to the road than he had been before. The next destination was Jenny Lake. I love that area just past Mt. Moran turnout as you enter the woods around Jenny Lake. Rain clouds were moving in over the Tetons and the view over the lake was amazing. I just sat and soaked it in for a while. A few short hikes around the Jenny Lake area and it was time to head back towards camp. A little rain this afternoon and a chance for more tonight. The tent seems to be handling the rain just fine. I've not found any leaks. Hopefully it won't be raining when I break down camp in the morning. I'm not sure about a fire tonight. Last night's wood didn't burn as much as it smoked. Must not have been dry enough wood.
Speaking of last night, there was no journal entry as you can see. I was in a bad mood. I knew I should write but decided not to. I guess I needed to hold onto my bad mood for a little longer (makes alot of sense, huh?). I had started thinking about money earlier in the day, or rather the shortage of money and realized funds were going to be very tight getting to Yosemite and reaching payday the next day. I was able to arrange some creative, short-term financing to cover though. I won't say what I did, but let it be known that I am never allowed back in that section of Yellowstone and I swear that grizzly looked 18! I don't like having limited hours and a fixed income. Although I had no life to speak of due to the overtime I worked prior to going Supervisor, I did like that fact that I set my own income. I would put in an extra 20 or 30 hours overtime in a pay period and bring home an extra $600 - $800. It was nice. Now, I have to live on a fixed budget and I'm still not very good at it. It's amazing how fast money can disappear. So that colored my day grey yesterday. As did the smoke pit that I tried to magically turn into a campfire. I tried reading for a bit but couldn't get interested. I remembered that I brought 2 movies Phil had given me and thought that would help. I didn't give a damn about either movie after about 10 minutes each. The second movie got turned off when a new character appeared that reminded me in looks and personality of Pam from CA. Long story on that one, but suffice it to say that Pam was a one-time interested turned annoying, stoned, psychotic bitch. A rememberance of her didn't help the movie or my mood. So, I shut the movie off and sat in the dark until I remembered I had my MP3 player with 2 Ricky Gervais podcasts on it. Ricky would save the day! Within 10 minutes I was stiffling such gut wrenching laughter (so I wouldn't wake up the entire camp with my belly laughs. If you don't know Ricky, you can check out this link. Be aware of some language). I listened to an hour and a half of Ricky, Steve and Carl, had 2 glasses of Merlot and it was time for bed with a smile on my face. A little Mozart and I was asleep in no time. The next thing I know, I'm hearing the birds chirping, it's 5am and time to get up and catch a Teton sunrise.
I have been dealing with one side issue on this trip. I think the real base of my issues yesterday was lonliness. I enjoyed my aloneness the first couple of days on the trip but just really got lonely last night. I'm surrounded by couples camping, families set up with kids, dogs and smores and everybody in the damned park seems to have somebody to camp and share with these last few days but me. And most are set up in a way that I don't feel comfortable going over and saying hi. It all seems so intimate. I feel like I would be intruding. That was probably the primary issue yesterday whether I wanted to admit it or not. But, for me, camping right now means camping alone. When it feels right, I introduce myself and visit with neighboring campers and I really enjoy that. But when the fire has died down, I still come back to my camp and my sleeping bag alone. I would like to change that. I am taking steps to change that, although it doesn't seem as if change is in the foreseeable future. But, I'll continue to take the steps I'm taking for change and will appreciate the opportunity I have for camping and travel and do my best to make the most of each moment. I don't mean to sound whiney in this last paragraph, but that's kinda what's going on in my head. And the purpose of the journal is to extract the thoughts and feelings and express them in a constructive manner which will allow me to isolate and examine them, right?
I love tent camping. I really do. What I also love is after 4 days of tent camping, with winds gusting outside over 30 mph, is the comfort found in a HOTEL ROOM! I'm so glad I made the adjustment from the campground in Wells to the Motel 6 in Elko (50 miles west of Wells). Tent camping is great but after a few days I've found it's nice to take a break, have a solid bed underneath me and enjoy some creature comforts.
It was a night of rain last night in Teton. It rained off and on all evening then all night long. I sat up for a while last night reading in between rain showers. Nobody really camping around me so I sat quietly reading. At about 10pm, I decided it was time for bed. After getting all snug and comfy in my sleeping bag, I realized I didn't have my knit cap. And let me tell you, when the temperature drops at night into the mid-30's, having that knit cap on a bald head makes all the difference in the world as to how well you sleep and staying warm. I got redressed and stepped out of the tent only to realize the knit cap was already inside the tent. Dammit! But, I saw a few sites over, someone was still around their campfire. So, I poured myself a cup of wine (yes, a "cup" of wine rather than a glass. I picked up a nice coffee cup with a lid at REI and that has become my camping wine cup. Not the classiest way to enjoy a Merlot, but spillproof and adds that outdoorsy feel to a wimpy glass of wine). I walked on over and chatted for about 30 minutes at the nearby campfire. It was nice to socialize a bit. I needed that last night. I had been keeping to myself a little too much. It was a couple of kids that were headed to a friend's ranch in Wyoming. It was fun to visit for a bit and talking about camping adventures. After a little while, I headed back to my camp and back to bed.
I woke to the sound of rain dripping on my tent. At least the rain had stopped and what I heard was the dripping of moisture off the trees. So, in the drip, drip, drip from the trees, I got everything packed up and was gone by about 7:30am. The drive was long, made longer by periods of very heavy rain with scattered road construction delays. I drove for 9 hours today and made it to Elko, NV. The wind was probably 20 - 30 mph sustained and I was exhausted. I was so glad I made the switch in lodging. Had I driven all day and had to put up the tent in a heavy wind, as tired as I was, I would have been in a very bad mood. I figure 4 - 5 days of camping is fine, but then it's good to break it up with some solid comfort. I got similar advice from a friend at work who does a great deal of camping, primarily back country and undeveloped. After a few days, he and his girlfriend like to break it up with a nice dinner and a hotel. It's a good way of recharging the batteries.
Luckily, the Wells TV park did not charge a cancellation fee so the Motel 6 only cost me about $20 extra than what was budgeted for the night. And once here, I was able to use the laundry room at the hotel (for guests) and washed all my dirty clothes, repacked and reorganized. And I'm looking forward to a restful sleep in a real bed tonight. Plus, I don't even have to take the bear spray out of the car tonight! If a grizzly travels to Elko, NV, can pick the lock on the hotel door and get inside to devour me he can have me without a struggle. It is nice to think about the last 4 nights camping in Teton and not one time did I even hit a 2 on a scale of 1 - 10 with the anxiety while sleeping in the tent. Yes, my anxiety was high on the Ferry Falls hike, but none at night at camp. And I even spent 30 - 45 minutes each night sitting in the dark, with no fire, looking at the stars. At those times, there was no anxiety, no fear. Only relaxation, confidence and peace. I plan to be in bed early tonight and be off early in the morning. Tomorrow's drive will be at least 9 hours and I want to get to the campsite in plenty of time to set up and maybe enjoy the drive a little bit. I know I'll be driving through the Sierras and I would like to be able to stop when I want and take in the scenery. So, Yosemite tomorrow night and Phil and Jess will arrive Friday morning. I'm really looking forward to camping with them again, especially since we'll have our own tents to sleep in rather than having to share the tight confines of a 30 foot RV as we all did in Alaska. I'm sure they will be bringing heavy winter sleeping bags while I'll be laying on top of my warm weather bag enjoying the fresh air with the windows zipped down.
An early departure this morning from Elko, NV. I was on the road by 7am. I spent some time listening to "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. I got to the point where he is talking about holding on to grudges or harboring grievances. He talked about examining the grievance and letting go of it. I immediately thought of the grievance I've been carrying against Cindy (Palm Springs, CA relationship 1991 - 1994...one of the two times I've been engaged and the only time it included an official ring) for almost 20 years now and how it has affected my relationships and my views about relationships since. And I realized that I've been carrying this grievance against her around almost 20 years! I thought about how the issues I had with her were "ego" driven (listen to Tolle for more info on "ego") and stemmed from fear and insecurity on both our parts. I also looked at who I was 20 years ago and recognized my own issues and problems. I forgave Cindy for the things she did and said and myself for allowing her to treat me the way she did. I found myself wishing well for her and that she was hopefully able to let go of her issues from that time and find true closeness in her life. It felt good to work through those things. I actually turned the CD off and talked myself through it for about 30 minutes. I'm trying to put Doc out of business, I guess with my brand of self-therapy.
It was a long day of driving. I found In & Out just south of Reno and it was great! But, for the first time EVER, the fine young men and women at In & Out made a mistake on my order. Gasp, murmur, shock! I know. That has never happened to me before, but it happened here. Instead of a double-double with grilled onions, they presented me with a single cheeseburger with no onions. Now excuse my French but what in the F*** was I supposed to do with that? I couldn't believe it. But, they corrected the order quick enough and although a bit bemused at the strange occurrence, I was satisfied once I tasted that damned double-double with grilled onions. Had this been McDonalds, I would have been surprised had they actually gotten the order right. But at In & Out, that kind of mistake is absolutely unacceptable and very rare.
As I neared the exit for Tioga Pass which crosses the Sierras, I started to get anxious. I knew this was the main east-west route and started wondering how high the pass was. The old anxiety about high altitudes came sneaking forward. This was an issue that was new to me when I moved to Colorado. I misunderstood something my sister, Jennifer (Trauma Nurse) told me about high altitudes and brain aneurysms. My anxiety building being at its peak at that time, I created the fear that if I drove too high in the mountains, this "hidden aneurysm" might just pop and that would be the end. Ain't anxiety disorder wonderful and fun????? Anyway, I reminded myself of the high altitude passes I've driven and riden over throughout the Rockies. The landscape at 7,000 feet in the Sierras looked like the Rockies at 10,000 feet. I started thinking I was higher than I was. I focused on my breath and positive self talk. When I made the turn to head towards the pass, I was probably about a 3 or 4 out of 10 with the anxiety. I put the CD on which Doc produced and I use prior to airline flights. It is a backwards flight with Doc talking you through the flight, the feelings, the anxiety and your successes. I use it for various situations and substitute the cause of the anxiety as I learned it has nothing to do with actually flying, but is a deep based anxiety that expresses itself through various outlets. I also got out the picture I've taken on so many flights of Doc, Rick (a pilot/assistant chief pilot with a certain airline and a damned close friend) and Bonita who is with the Colorado 99's and puts on the Flight Without Fear classes. This picture was from my first graduation flight back in April 2008 and is a reminder of how far I've come and how strong I really am in my ability to control the anxiety.
The grade going up the Pass was probably 10%. I kept focusing on my breath, made a curve and was blown away by the beauty of the mountains. I forgot about the altitude and the aneurysm bullshit and focused on the scenery. I got to the pass and it was just under 10,000 feet. I laughed at how anxious I had been for a pass that was only 10,000 feet. Hell, I've camped and hiked at 10,000 feet. It was the fear of the unknown that got me. At least it never got above a 3 or 4. That's easy enough to manage and control. And I never once thought I couldn't or wouldn't make the drive over the pass. That's progress. As I saw the beauty, I told myself that if I was about to die from the mysterious aneurysm, this was a good place to do it.
The drive across the Sierras was absolutely amazing. I wish I could have spent more time exploring, but I was pushing it to get to the campground in just 10 hours. I will go back another time and spend more time hiking in the area of Tuolumne Meadows. Once I made it across the moutains, I spent a great deal of time trying to locate the campground. The search alone added 45 minutes to the drive for the day. Their directions were not very good, my GPS had no idea in Hell where I was and the dude on the phone when I called sounded very, very stoned. I did finally find it though. I stayed at Indian Flat RV Park. It was not as nice as Flagg Ranch outside Grand Teton but it will do. There is no separation of the camp sites. The group next to me is from Eugene, OR. College kids. When I got here, there were 2 teen boys sitting in the empty spot next to mine drinking beer. Not a good sign. But, they left after a bit as I was setting up and choosing not to engage them in idle banter. Then, off to my right, I see an attractive blond woman walking towards me in a bra and jeans. Suddenly this RV Park was looking a helluva lot better! Turns out she had been swimming in the river with "hubby" and some friends. Quite a bit disappointed when I heard about a husband there with her, but at least it was a damned sight better than the drunken teenagers. After setting up, I drove back towards Yosemite a little ways. A couple of pictures then back to the campground as it was getting too dark for more pics. When it's quiet, you can hear the Merced River just outside the RV Park. Looking forward to hearing it in the quiet later tonight. Temperature is nice. Just a chill in the air and unlike Teton, no chance of rain or snow. It is nice to finally be at Yosemite. I've been trying to make the trip to Yosemite for at least the last 5 years but could never make it happen until now. It makes it better that I'll be able to spend the time here with Phil & Jess. They were leaving Pasadena this afternoon and were planning to stop a couple hours outside the park for the night. They should be here tomorrow morning and then we'll head into Yosemite.
A good day, all in all. I got the opportunity to work through Cindy issues, have a double-double with grilled onions from In & Out and I'm now sitting just outside Yosemite having a glass of wine and relaxing. Even the anxiety of the Pass was a good thing. As peaceful as tent camping in Teton was with no anxiety, I guess it's a good reminder that one has to maintain awareness of the underlying anxiety issues and be ready to deal with them if they arise. And the success that I felt on top of the pass was also a good reminder of what I'm capable of handling. I guess that's it for the night though. I feel like there is more to write, but I'm not sure what it is. If it comes to me, I'll pull out my notebook and write it down. If not, then I guess it wasn't that pressing. So, have a good night and we'll chat more tomorrow night.
Catching up on 2 days of my journal as I did not take the time to write last night. Friday, Phil & Jess arrived around Noon. It was good to see them again. We took off for Yosemite just after they got here. Once in the park, we drove the main loop. The mountains surrounding the valley are incredible. Half Dome was so majestic against the sky. El Capitan was huge. We hiked to the Nature Center and made time to tour the Ansel Adams exhibit. I wish I had that talent, that gift, that eye. My black & white pics aren’t terrible but they are universes away from what Adams did. And it is very obvious. But, a goal to work towards, right?
We made the 45 minute drive to Glacier Point above the main floor of the valley.
The view was breath taking. From the guardrail, you stood on the edge of a 3,200 foot drop off. It was not my favorite moment. I could feel that invisible force pulling me closer and closer to going over the edge that many of us with height anxiety know about but don’t discuss. It’s so hard to describe. But, I did my breathing and asked Jessica to walk to the edge with me for security. It was very tough to do but I did it and managed to stay at the guardrail for a good bit of time. I even had Phil take a picture of us at the edge. Knowing how much it bothered me, he deliberately took about 3 friggin’ hours to snap 2 friggin’ pictures! But, given the opportunity, I would have done the same to him, so I guess I can’t complain too much. Then we all headed back to camp. I really appreciated Jessica’s understanding and support up at Glacier Point. I could not have pushed myself as close to the edge had she not been there with me.
Back at camp, it was time for dinner & wine! Phil and Jess brought steaks and hash browns for dinner and it was delicious. Then we dove head first into a few bottles of wine. We went through 3 or 4 bottles between the 3 of us. Phil got a little drunk, which is always fun. I got my payback for the extended time Phil made me stand at the cliff edge for the pictures though. I brought up the "subject not to be discussed"...a baby! It was fun to put him in an uncomfortable position as that's how he and I interact. Sick and twisted, but that's part of our closeness and it works for us. It was really great enjoying wine and a campfire with them again. They both mean so much to me and I don’t think I really express well to them how important a part of my life that they are. Maybe they know and I don’t have to explain. I hope so because I really have a tough time expressing the words sometimes. And as much as I pick on Phil, I think they would be great parents and any child would be incredibly lucky to have them as his/her parents. After the wine was gone, it was time for bed, or at least time to put out the fire and do some star gazing. Phil and I watched the stars for a bit then I headed back to my camp to end the night. The stars were as incredible as always. Sitting there under the stars by myself was a great way to end a fun day.
Day 8 began with everyone near my site working to get out of camp before sunrise making it pretty tough to sleep past about 6am. I managed to stay in the sleeping bad until almost 8am though. Just laid there and enjoyed not doing anything in between bits of sleep and quiet. I figured if they could provide dinner, I could handle breakfast. The night before, Phil had requested to sleep in (despite the fact that we were only a few miles from Yosemite and a full day of adventure was waiting on us) and said I could not approach their campsite until 9am. So, as things tend to work out, I was back from the store and drove up to their site at 9:01am. I enjoy cooking when we are together and they seem to think my food is reasonably tasty. Although they are probably too nice to tell me if they thought it sucked. Breakfast burritos make such a great and handy breakfast. Eggs, bacon, salsa and Jack cheese wrapped in a warm tortilla. Only thing that would have made it better would have been a huge glop (yes, it’s a word) of green chilies and sausage instead of bacon (my personal preference).
Once breakfast was complete, we headed into Yosemite. The initial hike we planned seemed too long (6.5 miles round trip) once we got there. Plus, as we arrived a little later in the morning and the hike was suggested for early morning due to direct sun, it didn’t seem like the best idea. So, we opted for an easy hike to the lower Yosemite Falls viewing area. At the base of the falls, we were drenched with spray. It was tough to take a picture because you couldn’t keep the lens free of drops. Very cool, though. The trail to the Lower Falls wasn’t really as much a trail as it was a nice, smooth, flat, semi-paved path. So, it was more a walk in the woods than it was a hike. Phil and Jess wanted more of a hike, so we decided to tackle the partial hike up towards the Upper Yosemite Falls. The trail was shown as being 1.5 miles to the first viewpoint and was listed as “moderate – strenuous”. I told them that I didn’t want to hold them back as I would definitely be slower up the trail than them.
So, I said they should hike at their own speed and not wait for me. Little did I realize that the first mile of the trail was made up of almost 60 switchbacks. I HATE SWITCHBACKS! In case you are not aware of what this type of trail looks like, it is an invention of Satan and is a venture into darkness and evil that he rarely dares to visit. No, that is not an exaggeration. Switchbacks suck! You walk 30 feet on an inclined path strewn with rocks and roots and then “switch back” and do another 30 or so feet on another inclined path also strewn with rocks and roots and then do it yet again…and again…and again, all the while continuing to climb. They may not sound too bad, but let me tell you, when you start hiking up a trail with switchbacks, you learn to hate the damn things. I would walk up 2 or 3 switchbacks then stop to catch my breath. As you can tell from my profile pic, I’m not the fittest person you will ever meet, but dammit I’m not living off an oxygen bottle and being shuttled around in the back of a pickup truck, either.
This trail was tough. I got to various points on the trail where I would take a picture of the Valley below thinking that I could show how high I made it then head back down. But, I couldn’t give up, as much as I wanted to. I kept pushing upwards and onwards. It didn’t help that my backpack probably weighed a good 20 to 25 pounds. Afterwards Phil and Jess both advised me to travel lighter next time. I didn’t need half the stuff in the backpack but didn’t think about that before leaving the car. I finally made it through the switchbacks to a point where the trail edge became what seemed to be about a 40,000 foot straight down drop. Can you say vertigo? I told myself to breathe and to stay calm. Unlike Glacier Point, I was facing this drop off by myself and it was tough. The vertigo was much worse than it had been on Glacier Point. I decided to backtrack on the trail a bit to collect myself before moving on. I walked back to where I felt safer and reached for a drink of water. I realized that I had maybe 2 swigs of water left and another 1/2 mile to go before reaching the viewpoint. Not good. Plus, my legs were shot.
I decided that as I still had to hike all the way back down and I was pretty much out of water, heading back down to the trail head was probably a very smart decision. If I had not run out of water at that point, I would have pushed back up the trail, forced myself past the narrow trail/40,000 foot drop and continued towards the Falls. But, I understand how dehydration can affect you and I knew I didn’t want to go through that pushing farther up the trail. But, I had made the first mile of the trail, which, with the switchbacks, climbed I believe 1,000 feet up from the Valley floor. I felt that was pretty good in the shape I was in and it helped soothe the bitterness of turning around. Shortly after I turned around, I asked a young woman on the trail to take my picture with the Valley behind me. She obliged and we talked for a little while. She was a camp host at the Park and very friendly. I really enjoyed talking to her. It was tough not reaching my initial destination. But, as Doc always says, “flexibility and adaptability are signs of a healthy mind”. So, I recognized my water situation and realized that my decision was a wise one. Walking down the trail was much easier than walking up it. I didn’t have to stop to catch my breath headed down and the switchbacks were much easier to deal with. I made it to the trail head and realized that my hat was no longer tied to my backpack as it had been on the way up. It was gone. I bought the hat at a shop in downtown Albuquerque on one of our “luncheon flights”. I did that trip with Melody, Pedro and Jill. We flew to Albuquerque that morning, had a great lunch at a place spotlighted on “Diners, Drive-ins and Dives” and then walked the shops a bit before heading back to the airport. That’s where I found the hat. But, with no water left in my canteen and no strength left in my legs to tackle the switchbacks again, I decided that the chances of Phil and Jess (or some other hikers) running across the hat on their way down were better than my chances of making it very far back up the trail. I figured that if Phil and Jess found it on the trail, they would know that either I had died on the way up and the rescue crew had carried only my fat, dead body back down the trail to minimize weight, or they would just know that in my absentmindedness, I had left it accidentally. Either way, it meant I didn’t have to hike up that damned trail again. About 30 minutes after reaching the trail head, I saw Phil and Jess coming into view and sure enough, Phil had my hat. I was glad to see all three of them.
After a short hike (and a huge water refill) we were back at the car. Jess brought sandwiches with her that morning for our lunch. Honey Ham and smoked Gouda cheese with a little spiced mustard. After the hike, that sandwich seemed like a 4 star meal at fancy restaurant. One of the things I enjoy about time with Phil and Jess is that they are more “traveled” or “refined” or whatever you want to call it than me. They enjoy things in life I may not have tried before due to a closed mind and introduce me to new things and experiences. Kind of weird when I’m 15 years older than them. Hell, to me, cheese comes in 2 flavors – Pepper Jack and Cheddar. They are into the wine and cheese scene and bring experiences that I have never really given a thought to and that helps broaden my outlook and my adventures. Cheese may not be the best example of this, but, it relates to the story being told and the smoked Gouda cheese that was on that sandwich after my Hell-Hike. Ours is a strange but oddly balanced relationship but I wouldn’t trade it for all the Harleys and 18 year old French Canadian strippers in the world. Or at least I’ve never been given the opportunity to make that swap and like to believe I wouldn’t take the offer.
Anyway, after a little more time in the Park and being treated to some of the most incredible landscape I’ve ever seen, we made it back to camp and decided to walk yet a little more and head to the Lodge next to the campground and check out the swimming pool. Due to the loud and obnoxious people at the pool, Phil & Jess decided to forego a swim. We walked by the bar and I offered to buy us all a drink. I enjoy my wine, but could hear the soft, seductive whisper of a Black Russian calling my name. Does that make me an alcoholic? No. Being dependent on alcohol is what makes me an alcoholic. Hearing a drink call my name in the wind is just normal after hiking those switchbacks. There is a difference. Both Phil and Jess ordered a “coke” and I asked our bartender (my future BFF) to pour me a “strong” double Black Russian. The mix was such that you could see through the drink at 8ft. Feeling self conscious as I was the only one of the three of us partaking of spirits, I suggested we leave after the consumption of my liquid refreshment. Back at camp, we roasted hot dogs over the fire using Jessica’s fancy roasting poles. She referred to them as her “smore sticks” but they worked pretty damned good on hot dogs. Jessica then treated us to her amazing smores, this time using dark chocolate instead of milk chocolate. She is the undisputed Queen of Smore making and managed to top her previous efforts with the change in chocolate. Less drinking tonight around the campfire (not counting the Black Russians) and we were much more low key. About 10pm, I headed to my tent after loaning them my cold-weather sleeping bag. The lows were in the 50’s so, being thin skinned, they needed the extra layering. Being thick skinned (I’m not fat, I’m festively plump) I was fine with just the warm weather bag.
I wish we had more opportunity to camp together. I love to camp and really love spending time with both Phil and Jess. They are my closest friends and spending time with them is always enjoyable. But, schedules and distance make that pretty tough so I will enjoy what is available. I wish they could travel further along the Parks loop with me but life and work are expecting them both back on Monday. The time in Yosemite has been great. The Park is magnificent, majestic, awe inspiring and so many more adjectives that I can’t think of right now. After Phil and Jess leave in the morning, I will head back into the Park and try to catch sunset from the Tunnel View turnout. It offers a view of the entire Valley rimmed by El Capitan, Bridevail Falls and Half Dome in the distance. It is a postcard come to life. Kings Canyon and Sequoia Parks are next on the adventure. Then I plan to take Jim (my brother) up on his offer to stay at his place in Vegas Tuesday night and make Zion early Wednesday morning.
I was very proud of my accomplishment on the Falls trail today. I wanted to stop and turn around 3 or 4 times. Jessica even commented that she was impressed that I made it as far up the trail as I did. That felt good to have validation of my accomplishment. Two years ago, I would not have ventured much past the Visitors Center and sure as Hell would not have attempted the Falls trail. It has taken time, effort, tears and strength, but the progress I’ve made in just over 2 years has been remarkable and a whole new world of adventure has opened up for me. I can’t explain how that has changed my life, my attitude or my self confidence.
(At this point, the combination of emotion and Black Russians took me to that area where I start cussing the closed and scared life I lived for so many years mixed with joy from the new life I am creating as I continue to overcome my anxiety. The handwriting in my journal becomes unreadable, even to me and my language becomes very graphic. So, I reworded the last sentence or two in order to provide an ending to the entry and left the rest of what I wrote to exist scribbled on its original paper home. Suffice it to say that the day’s adventure, my accomplishment on the Falls trail and the time with close friends made it a wonderful day from beginning to end).
I actually slept until almost 8:30 this morning. A little noisy early but forced myself through the sound of other campers headed back to civilization. I hooked up with Phil & Jess as they were deciding what to do for the day. They decided to leave after they broke down their camp as they had a long drive ahead of them. I hated to see them go, but I was glad for the time we were able to spend together this weekend. And I understood the need to get on the road early. So, a quick hug and they were on their way. I decided to treat myself with a breakfast buffet at the lodge next door. It was actually very good. After breakfast, I balanced my checkbook (oh what fun!) and realized I was doing okay with money. I wanted to spend at least part of the day at Hetch Hetchy. I have read a good bit written by John Muir and knew that I needed to visit this area. In case you don't know the history, Hetch Hetchy is an area just north of Yosemite Valley that some felt rivaled the beauty of the Valley itself. In 1906, after a major earthquake, San Francisco applied to the United States Department of the Interior to gain water rights to Hetch Hetchy. This provoked a seven-year environmental struggle with the environmental group Sierra Club, led by John Muir. Muir wrote:
That anyone would try to destroy [Hetch Hetchy Valley] seems; incredible; but sad experience shows that there are people good enough and bad enough for anything. The proponents of the dam scheme bring forward a lot of bad arguments to prove that the only righteous thing to do with the people’s parks is to destroy them bit by bit as they are able. Their arguments are curiously like those of the devil, devised for the destruction of the first garden. . . .
These temple destroyers, devotees of ravaging commercialism, seem to have a perfect contempt for Nature, and, instead of lifting their eyes to the God of the mountains, lift them to the Almighty Dollar.
Dam Hetch Hetchy! As well dam for water-tanks the people’s cathedrals and churches, for no holier temple has ever been consecrated by the heart of man.
Obviously, the efforts of Muir and many others were ignored and the Hetch Hetchy Valley became a reservoir that exists to this day. It was a very beautiful area. The elevation is lower than Yosemite, so you see a much different landscape with manzanita, wildflowers and more. Hetch Hetchy receives a fraction of the visitors that flock to Yosemite, so it's a great area to explore and enjoy an environment absent of the sound of cars, buses and their associated odors. I took some time to cross over the dam, walk through the tunnel and do a little exploring on the neighboring trails.
As I left the reservoir after my hike, I saw a blond, black bear cub on the side of the road dining among the grasses and flowers. I watched for a while but never saw the Momma. Not knowing where she was made me a little nervous. At one point, I was outside the car taking a few pictures of the cub when someone parked in front of me thought they saw the Momma. I quickly got back in the car, but she never appeared. After about 10 minutes, the cub decided he had enough of the spotlight, and climbed the hill on the side of the road and back to the privacy of the scrub. It was very cool to see him and be able to take some fairly close pictures without disturbing him.
I stopped in a shaded area just outside Hetch Hetchy and had my own lunch. Luckily it was not comprised of grasses and flowers like my bear cub friend's meal. It was nice to sit and listen to the wind through the pines after lunch and enjoy a relaxing moment.
Following lunch, I found myself back in Yosemite Valley. After negotiating the multitude of other vehicles on the Valley Loop road, I headed up towards the Tunnel View area on the road to Glacier Point. It offers a tremendous view of the valley including El Capitan on the left, Bridevail Falls on the right and Half Dome standing majestically in the distance. I sat at the viewpoint for about an hour watching the Valley change as the sun got lower in the West and shadow overtook the Valley floor. I noticed the moon to my right at about 45 degrees off the horizon and it was almost perfectly situated above a waterfall pouring over a nearby cliff. I took tons of pictures of the waterfall and moon with both the digital and the film camera. As the Valley gave up the last remnants of sunlight, I headed back towards my campsite.
Back at camp, I found it even more crowded than it had been Friday or Saturday. On one side of my site was a couple in a camper that were very quiet and kept to themselves. The other side found a fairly active gathering of a group living in the San Jose area. There were at least three generations if not four amidst the group. As I started to write in my journal, a gentleman came over from the family gathering and introduced himself as "Paul". This was a nice change from me introducing myself first. We talked a bit as everyone was preparing dinner in their camp. I told him of my adventures so far on this trip and he said he does alot of solo camping on longer trips himself. He makes trips in his van and has been through every state except Hawaii. As I sat back down to resume my writing, Paul told me he and his wife put a piece of chicken on the grill for me. I had not planned to eat again tonight, but they insisted and it smelled damned good. So, I wound up with a piece of BBQ chicken and a side of potato salad. Paul's wife would not let me sit back down with anything less. It was delicious and I appreciated their kindness and inclusion. I took my camera over and told Paul's wife that as payment for dinner, I wanted to share my pictures of the bear cub from Hetch Hetchy. She loved the pictures and wound up carrying my camera around the circle of people surrounding the campfire to share them with her family.
After a wonderfully unexpected dinner, I finally sat to finish my journal entry. I will probably head over to see my bartender friend (Dean) and his magical Black Russian ambrosia before bed. The family reunion next to me is planning to send a few people very early in the morning into the Park in order to tackle the Half Dome hike. I wish them luck as that appears to be one helluva tough hike, as beautiful as it seems. I'm hoping to be up and on the road no later than 8am headed towards Kings Canyon and Sequoia National Parks. It will probably take about 4 - 5 hours to get to Kings/Sequoia and I want to get there early enough to be able to explore the area. My goal today was to enjoy the day and not get down about Phil and Jess leaving. I did well with that goal. I made the most of the day and was happy to have had the chance to do Yosemite with them. It was also nice to find a friendly group next to me when I got back to camp tonight.
I'm halfway through my trip. Nine days down and eight waiting before me. After Kings/Sequoia, I head down out of the mountains and greenery to the heat of the desert. It will be quite a transition and I hope it won't be too hot to enjoy the rest of the adventure. Regardless, I plan to enjoy each day of the trip to the fullest.
