National Parks Loop Day 6 (June 17, 2010)

An early departure this morning from Elko, NV. I was on the road by 7am. I spent some time listening to "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. I got to the point where he is talking about holding on to grudges or harboring grievances. He talked about examining the grievance and letting go of it. I immediately thought of the grievance I've been carrying against Cindy (Palm Springs, CA relationship 1991 - 1994...one of the two times I've been engaged and the only time it included an official ring) for almost 20 years now and how it has affected my relationships and my views about relationships since. And I realized that I've been carrying this grievance against her around almost 20 years! I thought about how the issues I had with her were "ego" driven (listen to Tolle for more info on "ego") and stemmed from fear and insecurity on both our parts. I also looked at who I was 20 years ago and recognized my own issues and problems. I forgave Cindy for the things she did and said and myself for allowing her to treat me the way she did. I found myself wishing well for her and that she was hopefully able to let go of her issues from that time and find true closeness in her life. It felt good to work through those things. I actually turned the CD off and talked myself through it for about 30 minutes. I'm trying to put Doc out of business, I guess with my brand of self-therapy.

It was a long day of driving. I found In & Out just south of Reno and it was great! But, for the first time EVER, the fine young men and women at In & Out made a mistake on my order. Gasp, murmur, shock! I know. That has never happened to me before, but it happened here. Instead of a double-double with grilled onions, they presented me with a single cheeseburger with no onions. Now excuse my French but what in the F*** was I supposed to do with that? I couldn't believe it. But, they corrected the order quick enough and although a bit bemused at the strange occurrence, I was satisfied once I tasted that damned double-double with grilled onions. Had this been McDonalds, I would have been surprised had they actually gotten the order right. But at In & Out, that kind of mistake is absolutely unacceptable and very rare.

As I neared the exit for Tioga Pass which crosses the Sierras, I started to get anxious. I knew this was the main east-west route and started wondering how high the pass was. The old anxiety about high altitudes came sneaking forward. This was an issue that was new to me when I moved to Colorado. I misunderstood something my sister, Jennifer (Trauma Nurse) told me about high altitudes and brain aneurysms. My anxiety building being at its peak at that time, I created the fear that if I drove too high in the mountains, this "hidden aneurysm" might just pop and that would be the end. Ain't anxiety disorder wonderful and fun????? Anyway, I reminded myself of the high altitude passes I've driven and riden over throughout the Rockies. The landscape at 7,000 feet in the Sierras looked like the Rockies at 10,000 feet. I started thinking I was higher than I was. I focused on my breath and positive self talk. When I made the turn to head towards the pass, I was probably about a 3 or 4 out of 10 with the anxiety.

I put the CD on which Doc produced and I use prior to airline flights. It is a backwards flight with Doc talking you through the flight, the feelings, the anxiety and your successes. I use it for various situations and substitute the cause of the anxiety as I learned it has nothing to do with actually flying, but is a deep based anxiety that expresses itself through various outlets. I also got out the picture I've taken on so many flights of Doc, Rick (a pilot/assistant chief pilot with a certain airline and a damned close friend) and Bonita who is with the Colorado 99's and puts on the Flight Without Fear classes. This picture was from my first graduation flight back in April 2008 and is a reminder of how far I've come and how strong I really am in my ability to control the anxiety.

The grade going up the Pass was probably 10%.
I kept focusing on my breath, made a curve and was blown away by the beauty of the mountains. I forgot about the altitude and the aneurysm bullshit and focused on the scenery. I got to the pass and it was just under 10,000 feet. I laughed at how anxious I had been for a pass that was only 10,000 feet. Hell, I've camped and hiked at 10,000 feet. It was the fear of the unknown that got me. At least it never got above a 3 or 4. That's easy enough to manage and control. And I never once thought I couldn't or wouldn't make the drive over the pass. That's progress. As I saw the beauty, I told myself that if I was about to die from the mysterious aneurysm, this was a good place to do it.

The drive across the Sierras was absolutely amazing. I wish I could have spent more time exploring, but I was pushing it to get to the campground in just 10 hours. I will go back another time and spend more time hiking in the area of Tuolumne Meadows. Once I made it across the moutains, I spent a great deal of time trying to locate the campground. The search alone added 45 minutes to the drive for the day. Their directions were not very good, my GPS had no idea in Hell where I was and the dude on the phone when I called sounded very, very stoned. I did finally find it though. I stayed at Indian Flat RV Park. It was not as nice as Flagg Ranch outside Grand Teton but it will do. There is no separation of the camp sites. The group next to me is from Eugene, OR. College kids. When I got here, there were 2 teen boys sitting in the empty spot next to mine drinking beer. Not a good sign. But, they left after a bit as I was setting up and choosing not to engage them in idle banter. Then, off to my right, I see an attractive blond woman walking towards me in a bra and jeans. Suddenly this RV Park was looking a helluva lot better! Turns out she had been swimming in the river with "hubby" and some friends. Quite a bit disappointed when I heard about a husband there with her, but at least it was a damned sight better than the drunken teenagers.

After setting up, I drove back towards Yosemite a little ways. A couple of pictures then back to the campground as it was getting too dark for more pics. When it's quiet, you can hear the Merced River just outside the RV Park. Looking forward to hearing it in the quiet later tonight. Temperature is nice. Just a chill in the air and unlike Teton, no chance of rain or snow. It is nice to finally be at Yosemite. I've been trying to make the trip to Yosemite for at least the last 5 years but could never make it happen until now. It makes it better that I'll be able to spend the time here with Phil & Jess. They were leaving Pasadena this afternoon and were planning to stop a couple hours outside the park for the night. They should be here tomorrow morning and then we'll head into Yosemite.

A good day, all in all. I got the opportunity to work through Cindy issues, have a double-double with grilled onions from In & Out and I'm now sitting just outside Yosemite having a glass of wine and relaxing. Even the anxiety of the Pass was a good thing. As peaceful as tent camping in Teton was with no anxiety, I guess it's a good reminder that one has to maintain awareness of the underlying anxiety issues and be ready to deal with them if they arise. And the success that I felt on top of the pass was also a good reminder of what I'm capable of handling. I guess that's it for the night though. I feel like there is more to write, but I'm not sure what it is. If it comes to me, I'll pull out my notebook and write it down. If not, then I guess it wasn't that pressing. So, have a good night and we'll chat more tomorrow night.

Good night